I think I'm just a bad photographer when it comes down to it.

I've been in photography since I was in High School, which dating myself, was about 25 yrs ago. I first went to film school, then I went to photography school. This was a major secondary interest for me after novel writing for just about the vast majority of my life. I've read probably 100 photography books, watched 1000s of videos on the craft. What I'm saying is, I should just be an absolute pro by now.

And don't get me wrong, I have taken some impressive photos from time to time. I like two things, landscapes, and studio work that draws upon my film school background, so think more in the ballpark of like Gregory Crewdson. Hell, I've sunk in total probably $20k over the years on various shoots, hiring models, makeup artists, hair stylists, getting wardrobes and set dressing. And out of like 8 shoots, maybe 2 of them were any good.

And yet, the real problem is, I feel like anytime I have had good results, it's almost been down to luck. And yet, I can hire a wedding photographer and while yes, they are curating, they're still giving great work. I'd fumble with settings, not know the right ones, every other photo under those lighting conditions would be hit or miss.

I have friends or family who have asked me for photoshoots because they see the work hanging on my walls or uploaded digitally and think, let's hire aniform! But every single time, I deliver terrible results. I've got all the lights that many here would envy and yet I am useless with them. I could make a softbox shot look ugly. I'm mostly just "in the dark" all the time, fumbling around my gear like a fool.

I needed some product photos and I thought, well of course, I'm a photographer, I'll do my own product photos! It took me ages to get everything dialed in, it looked terrible. So, I hired a product photographer and they were just in command. Put a light here, arrange it like this, and voila! A commercial-ready image.

I suppose my point is, I've got all the gear, got years of schooling, and the truth is, none of it matters. I just don't think I have the skills for this craft. And I'd bet if you asked to see some examples, you'd come back with, these are great, you're too hard on yourself. But what I see behind the scenes is the inconsistency. On one shoot I luck out, get fantastic shots, but on the very next one even following the same formula, it's trash. If you as a portrait photographer went to one client and then to the next with the work being either great or sloppy, depending on the day, you'd be out of work.

I think I'm just getting to a point, 30+ yrs into this that I wasn't meant to do it, even as a hobby and should have just put my money into something else entirely. I suppose I'm just making this post as a sort of confession, haha. But, I do wonder if maybe there are others who feel similarly like imposters.